You hated when I called you SraBentil (Cecilia Bentil) so I called you Sagrenti. Sagrenti, my “Busy Buddy”, who never knew how to stop and simply relax. How often did I have to beg you to stop cleaning or cooking and put your feet up? To remind you that retirement was meant for you to relax and find hobbies to entertain yourself? To travel and do all the things you could not afford, but desperately wanted to, in your youth?
Mama, you came from modest beginnings and never forgot that. You remembered the love and attention you yearned for in your childhood and endeavoured to share yours with anyone who needed it. Often, that love and kindness was taken advantage of, but all the same, the end result has been that so many have been blessed by you, and your passing has been a massive shock to all.
Sagrenti, I cannot believe that I have to find words to say goodbye to you. Your transition has broken my heart, and I do not know where I’ll find the strength to bear the cup you’ve left me. What do you mean that you won’t be here to wake me up at 4am to drive you to Agbogbloshie market? Or Tema Fishing Harbour? Who is going to interrupt my Zoom meetings with, “Maame come and vacuum the carpet”? or “Oh is that Nii, let me see his face”?
You always waited till the last minute to request anything, but wanted an immediate response. 10 minutes before you were to leave for church would be when you’d call me to help with your makeup and you wouldn’t sit still or stop offering commentary. “Maame, hurry up I’m running late.”, “Maame don’t make me look like a choobi (doll)”, “Maame the eyeliner must be even”. All in 10 minutes? But I will miss these moments, have missed them each and every time you’ve left to visit with the boys and grandkids.
When you called me to say the treatment was going well, my heart was glad. When the next call that came in requested I send Dela to pick you up and that you were lost, my heart sank. I knew you were on a journey none of us could assist with, except in prayer. And so, even as I encouraged everyone that all would be well, I asked God to guide you home, preferably to us, but to Him, if that was the only direction He would permit your path to take.
I am lost without you, Sagrenti. My entire adult life has been focused on assisting you and daddy, to handle your affairs, and I do not know what to do with myself now. Even now, I have held back my tears so I can focus on what you would want for your homegoing. My delulu in this moment is that you’ve travelled as you always do, and will be back in a couple of months. I’m still waiting for your email, which will never come, with your travel itinerary.
But thank you, Ma. Because you supported whatever I wanted to do within reason. While we often misunderstood each other and butted heads on the proper way to do things, we at least came to an understanding that we both are perfectionists, that I inherited your determination and stubbornness, and love of gardening and food. You understood, even if you did not agree with my methods, that I am fiercely protective of you, dad and my siblings. The skills I have for editing and writing come from the days spent assisting you about the office and at home. I wouldn’t have the passion I do for books, if you hadn’t got Angie and me memberships at the children’s library and cultured my voracious appetite for fiction.
I still find it impossible to cook tiny portions. There is always excess in case an unexpected guest arrives. Even now, with friends helping me about the house, it’s “Mommy does it like this. Mommy wants it done this way”. I know in time, mommy will be replaced with “I”, but I do not look forward to it.
My solace is in that you’ve taught me all I need to know to navigate life. It does my heart good that I was able to stand with you, even when you could no longer speak, to affirm your faith in God. I will be there for Daddy, Ebow, Dela, Angie and the grandkids in whatever capacity I can, in your stead. You can rest knowing that your Safohen Besia, your Aba Brodwimaba is taking care of it.
I pray you rest eternally with the Lord and that peace envelopes you forever. In time, our tears will dry, but your memory will live on.
Ma, Sagrenti, SraBentil, Busy Buddy, Ama Bentsiwaa, I love you.
Da yie. Nyame nfa wo nsie N’ahotow mu.
Maame Aba